GuNNhead

The two Vampires who escaped my wrath, it must be told, were not true Vampires at all.

I’d heard a tale of two Vampires operating outside of the Vampire norm, acting on their own. Knowing this to be odd behavior for Vampires, I had to investigate. I traced the rumors down to an old man who claimed to be a Vampire hunter. His name was Helsing. He owned a van. His last name was Ramsey, and he obviously was delusional. Six charges of minor assault in the past year against people he perceived as “Vampires.” I was largely disappointed that this was not a path to more Vampires to kill. However, he did offer some information of intrigue, I observed him confront one of these ‘Vampires’ at night. I watched as he ended up dead in an alley, with a broken neck. Perhaps this was one who had learned to disguise their Vampirocity from the Vampire’s psychic connection; a Vampire can simply tell when another is one of their Vampire kind.

I descended into the alley from the rooftop before he could dig his extended fangs into the old codger.
“Stop what you’re doing, Vampire scum!”
“Woah woah, what the fuck? Vampire? Fuck you, buddy!”
I slice at the Vampire, and he stumbles backwards into a trashcan.
“Fuck! Fucking fuck dude, that’s a fucking sword!”
“It is the Vampire-Killer, Vampire!”

The Vampire begins to run, as most cowardly Vampires do when confronted with a death. That is the problem with Vampires, they can complain for hundreds of years about the pain of eternal life, but the second they can see a potential end to their Vampiric bloodlust, they try every trick in the Vampire book to escape the fate I will bestow upon them. I notice that this Vampire did not stop to bare his fangs or hiss. I leap over the building and cut him off.
“You’re slow, Vampire, but still faster than the humans you prey upon! You are filth, and I, VAMPIRE: The Vampire Hunter shall end you!”
“Wait, you’re a fucking Vampire too?
“Yes, I am a Vampire, I am VAMPIRE: The Vampire Hunter.”
“A Vampire Vampire Hunter?”
“Yes, beyond all Vampires, I must hunt them, rid the world of their filth.”
“I oughta kick you in the fucking neck!” I spin kick him into a wall.
“Oww, my ribs, dude, not cool.”
“Do not threaten me, Vampire.”
“Anyfuckingway, I thought I was alone! Did that fuckity puss knocker Zack put you up to this?”
“Was that the old man’s name, Vampire?”
“Fuck no, fuck that old stupid fucker, he was an asshole! I’m talking about Zack; the only other Vampire?”
“There are countless Vampires.”
“Countless Vampires? Fuck that! Did they all fall into that vat of radioactive bats too?”
“Hold still, Vampire!” I grab the Vampire by the throat and jaw, to examine its Vampire fangs. Holes. Vampire fangs with holes that suck the blood up through them. He is no true Vampire. Or perhaps a new breed of Vampire. I resolve to investigate further.

“Listen here, Vampire, your brain patterns are that of a human. I’ll let you live, this time.”
“Man, fuck you, Vampire, I ain’t never seen not other anything, so you tell me what’s up, or I’ll kick you head in!” I break the Vampire’s arm, and cut off a finger.
“Ow! You god fuck damn sonnuva Vampire piece of Vampire fuck! Ow!” While the Vampire swears to his wounds, I disappear into the night.

Over the next few weeks, I observe the Vampire, and seek out this ‘one other’ Vampire that is like him. This Zack Vampire has embraced the ways of the Vampire. However, in addition to the fangs and texture, not tone, of skin, there are other incongruencies to their form of Vampirism. They cannot turn others into Vampires like themselves. They can be fully sustained on normal food, and do not need to feast upon human blood as a Vampire would. They have limited Vampire mind control, but only for petty things. Their speed and strength are both augmented well above the normal human, but nowhere near Vampire status, let alone my own. They had an aversion, but no weakness to sunlight, acting as mostly nocturnal. No weakness to garlic. They also had the Vampire’s flight. But it all simply did not add up in my trained and perfected Vampire hunter mind. These were no Vampires; they were superhero freaks. Their attitudes screamed of ones trapped into Vampirism. They had no choice, not the choice of a Vampire. I know nothing of radioactive Vampirism. What good are these Vampire-Men? I have no time to train them in the ways of the Vampire Hunter, my mission is too important. The war against the Vampire is mine and mine alone; with their powers being nigh-Vampire, they’d only slow me down. If I gave them the tools to hunt other Vampires, using their immunities, they’d only get themselves killed.

Not a bad idea, a Vampire of any kind is still a Vampire. If not, then they’ll destroy Vampires, and make my path easier. I collect the two Vampire-Men together, and tell them my proposal, of the tools I’d be willing to give to them, stones that track the true Vampire, weapons that I have collected that I no longer need to use against the Vampire. Long needing a purpose, the Vampire-Men accept, and become Vampire hunters. I leave them with one of my safe houses, and enough tools to train themselves. They will be easy to keep track of, and can only be of use on their own, for they will never have the power to rise up against me. It is not in them, for I am a Vampire, and I can read them as humans, these Vampire-Men.

I leave them to my own devices. There’s a city full of weak, idiotic new social-Vampires that have not been worth my time that they will be able to handle. Sad, pathetic Vampires made out of the attempt to lure humans to embrace becoming feasts for the Vampire, romanticizing it:
A plan made in the Vampire’s twilight season, knowing that I, VAMPIRE: The Vampire Hunter am out for blood. I am a Vampire arising a new moon over the reign of the Vampire filth. I will eclipse all Vampires throughout time. It is the war I fight to see that they all die. By the breaking dawn of this new age, not a single Vampire will survive my wrath.

Now it has been a time since that event, I still seek out true Vampires, Vampires with plans, Vampires who have survived for centuries. Now, after I carved my name into their underworld, the Vampires say that they are coming, coming to tear me apart. I will give them their chase. I will increase my efforts. I will go after their Vampire facilities, their Vampire syndicates, and their Vampire-Gods!

“I… Am a Vampire.”

Those were the last words the Vampire heard before I cut off his head.

“Take THAT, Vampire.”

I spit upon the floor. I have no respect for Vampires.

My story began over a century ago; I was a free human being in a world of filthy Vampires. I worked to train my mind and my body. I was at the peak of life when I chose the undeath. One must think like a Vampire to trick them into turning you. There can be no thought beyond the bloodlust, beyond the disgusting lust for living as a Vampire. The one who turned me was my first kill. I have just slain my 1,000th Vampire.

The floorboards quake below my hovering, steady feet. It is the Vampirinicus. A red light emits from below, before the blood starts flowing. It sprays from every space imaginable, soaking every thing with a filth of delicious pure red hellblood. I have angered the carrion of the Vampire underworld. He has come for me. He explodes out of the floor covered in human skins filled of blood. I lunge at the Vampire with my sword; in its attempts to deny my blade its entry, it loses its arm.

“You will soon lose more than that, Vampire.”
“You must pay for your affront to the Vampire Kingdom!” says the Vampire.
“The only thing that my affront shall pay, Vampire, to your Vampire Kingdom, if further death, because you Vampires deserve no better.”
“But how did you become a Vampire with such thoughts? It… it’s not possible…” It soaks in the hellblood, regenerating its arm.
“My hatred has made all of this possible, Vampire, because my burning contempt gave me the human strength, the human resolve to remember who I am, to remember that I’m no accursed Vampire.”
“Ha! No matter, no mere Vampire is strong enough to defeat the Vampirinicus, even with that enchanted and mystic anti-Vampire blade you have. How did you get it, minion Vampire?”
“I am no ones minion, Vampire, I—“
“It is Vampirinicus!”
“Whatever, my blade is my business, especially to the likes of you.”
“Fool, your power can never exceed mine, pathetic little Vampire!”

I bear my fangs, and fly towards the Vampire with my sword. Just as I was about to stab into its chest with my silver-double-wood enforced mystical blade, the Vampire is able to knock me to the side, smashing me through the already cracked wall of the slain Vampire’s residence. The sword pierced the chest of the Vampire, but not its heart, and became lodged. Blood flows into the wound from the floor.

“Hmm, perhaps I shall kill you with your own blade, Vampire Hunter,” it says as it pulls the sword out of itself, and takes in its heft, the weight of my expertly crafted Vampire-Killer sword.
“I’d honestly like to see you try, Vampire.” Never has there ever been a finer tool for killing Vampires as my precise weapon, nor shall there ever be. Together, only two Vampires have ever escaped our combined wrath. It was made for me, for I made it to destroy Vampires before I became a Vampire. The story of the Vampire-Killer blade is for another time, however, for at the moment, there is a Vampire most putrid who must be dealt with.

“Now, my pathetic little Vampire Hunter, are you prepared to fight a true Vampire? A Vampire who is? A Vampire who never had the weakness of humanity? I watched you change into a Vampire. It was the same as any other. You are no different, and I will squash you as such.”
“Do you not think that is what I wanted you to believe, Vampire? You stupid, stupid Vampire.”
“I am the Vampirinicus!” The Vampire comes at me with my sword.

I counter the Vampire’s slash, and send him flying behind me into the kitchen, turning the fridge into flattened scrap metal.
“A lucky shot! I know you are only human at mind, that is why I will personally eat your weak Vampire heart!”
“I tell you what, Vampire, I’ll give you one free shot.”
“Hahaha! Your confidence will be your downfall, Vampire Hunter!”

The bags of full human skins sway and shift with the filled blood as it, the Vampire, begins to make its move towards me. Blood pours out of the mouths and eye sockets of the skin containers when it makes its move. The Vampire-Killer comes down hard onto my collarbone. I, of course, take no damage as the Vampire’s arms convulse and burst outward, leaving small stumps. The Vampire stumbles backwards, and my blade begins to fall to the floor. I catch Vampire-Killer, and slide it back into its sheath.

“How… how!?” the Vampire shouts at me in pain.
“One’s own soul cannot harm them, Vampire; you would know that, were you not soulless Vampire sewage.”

The Vampire rips off one of the blood filled human skins with its teeth, and consumes it; re-growing its arms in an instant.

“Are you ready for round two, Vampire?” I grin, displaying my fangs, and ignite my eyes in their depth of forsaken Vampirocity. Enraged and frustrated, it jumps at me; I dodge each of its attacks easily; the left arm, I move my right shoulder and lean back; the right arm, I move my left shoulder and lean back. I then jump to the ceiling, and withdraw Vampire-Killer. I cut the human containers from the body of the Vampire as I run overhead; faster than it can react to, almost too fast for it to process. The Vampire’s human skins splash upon the floor, spilling out their gallons of blood. Just before I can land, the Vampire’s tail catches my leg, and smashes me through another wall. Sheetrock powder explodes into the bathroom and I break through a toilet, rolling into the sink, smashing it too. A thick red blood gushes forth from the broken pipes. I begin to pick myself up, for the Vampire approaches. It enters through the doorway.

“My decorations. You anger me at every turn, Vampire Hunter. You cannot make it out of this.”
“Shut up.” I pick up the bathtub with one hand, and slam in down onto the Vampire, separating the head and torso from the arms and legs. They wiggle on the tiled floor before bursting into flames. Vampire blood gushes out from under the tub. I jump up, standing on top of it, unsheathe my blade, and remove the front of the tub along with the Vampire’s head. Normally, this would have killed a Vampire, but not the Vampirinicus. I plunge my sword into the chest of the Vampire, touching its heart ever so slightly to hear the final words from its disembodied head.

“You may have been able to defeat me, the Vampirinicus, but there are more, those who began the Vampirismus. Your time is short, Vampire Hunter. They, the truly pure Vampires, the Vampire-Demonic, they are coming for you.”
“Send them, send every Vampire, send your Vampire slaves, your Vampire minions, your Vampire warriors, your Vampire Kings, your Vampire Queens, your Vampire-Demons, your Vampire-Devils, and your Vampire Gods! I will destroy them as I have destroyed you, it will merely save me the search.”
“You will pay for your affront to the Vampire Kingdo–” I make the final killing push through the heart of the Vampire with Vampire-Killer. The blood absorbs into it. I stand there as the body of the Vampire quickly dissolves into nothingness. I wait in case there is more Vampire to come. There is nothing, only the destroyed apartment of my 1,000th slain Vampire. I leap out of the nearest window, breaking through the barricade to light and out into the brightening sky.

Standing upon the roof staring at the sunrise, I know must move onward, because even if there is one Vampire left in the world, there are still too many Vampires.