The Combustibles

It was your average bus ride in summer. Another sweltering hot day. Sweaty, sticky, humid. Everyone secretly hated everyone else for creating body heat: sweating, breathing their hot, humid breath.

Towards the front of the bus, there sits a beautiful young woman. Her mouth is ever so slightly open, showing her full, pouty lips, her smooth skin has visible moisture upon her fresh, ample bosom. Her small, thin tank top does not help her keep cool in this overbearing heat. She fans herself, and pushes a bit of her hair back, while wiping some sweat from her brow, when: she suddenly bursts into flames. Her clothes instantly incinerate as her flesh melts away. She screams as she leaps up in a panic, clawing and tearing at those around her to help, but there is nothing that they can do, for at that very moment, even more people go up in flames. An old woman in the back, a couple in the dead center of the bus, a group of high school kids, and finally, the driver. The bus careens into traffic, smashing a small sedan; on impact, the family ignite into flames. The sedan swerves across the oncoming lane hard into a fire hydrant, sending water spraying up out of the ground, and the driver through the windshield in a flaming nosedive into a nearby playground. All the children in the park rapidly erupt in a blaze. The ones on the swing sets go flying off into a pile, creating a bonfire of child-flesh. The ones on the see-saw fuse immediately to the handles of the toy, spending their remaining minutes teeter-tottering while watching their playmate burn to cinders. Parents, in a fit of blind protective instinct, go directly to their child’s side, but the mere act of going towards their ash-children set their own bodies alight. A bicyclist pedaling by slows to gawk, when he too explodes with fire, searing his flesh to the bone. As he burns uncontrollably, he and his bike enter a large intersection, lodging themselves under the moving tires of a Humvee, setting the occupants of that aflame. As their eyeballs burst and their blood boils, a huge multi-car pileup ensues, torching every motorist for miles.

Seas of flames eventually engulf the city, stemming from within the hearts of the populace. The inferno causes a pyre of flame to erupt, becoming visible at a huge distance. A Rube Goldberg-esque chain reaction of monumental proportions erupts across the country. People burning alive scorch the earth, entire cities turn to ash enveloped in a firestorm. It was hilarious. Best. practical. joke. ever.

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2 Responses to “The Combustibles”

  1. Mere words cannot describe how amazingly awesome this story is. I even tried a thesaurus.

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