Vampirosity

Today sucked.

I had to wake up early, I fuckin’ hate waking up early. The sun is shit, too god damn bright. No, it doesn’t fucking turn me to ash, that shit is fucking retarded. Yeah, I don’t have an affinity for it, I don’t like it, and, honestly, yes, I’d rather be out at night. Normally, I just put on a hood and sunglasses if I have to go out during the day, like, to buy groceries or that every day shit you never think about, run errands, buy videogames, whatever. Point being, life is crap normally, but having a weakness to sun makes undeath a hell of a lot worse.

Yes, I drink blood through my fangs, but I can eat normally: a few, nice, rare steaks are good enough to stop me from killing. Burgers and all that other normal awesome food is fine, but it’s like eating a plum when all you really want is a nice, tall glass of water; all of this, of course, being found through trial and error. I don’t know if there are other vampires besides me and my old friend, because I don’t think we went through the normal procedure that’s seen in all the movies and books. No dude suckled upon my fuckin’ neck, I can tell you that much. Anyways, Zack and I were dickin’ around in an abandoned building one day, and wouldn’t ya know it, we fell into a vat of radioactive bats! So, yeah, I don’t even know if the fruity movie vampires exist or not. If they do, fuck ‘em, because I’ve been like this for years, and those lazy whores never sought me out, and if they did at this point, I’d probably kick them in the fucking neck. Anyway; we went home after falling in the vat, and hoped for the best, but the next day we both woke to realize we’d slept through the day naturally, and our skin was totally pale, and we had retractable fangs. Realizing that this was toootally awesome, we started testing out our powers, flying, breaking brick walls with our hands, seducing random chicks and sucking their blood, killing them, whatever. It was great for years, then we realized that it may be forever, y’know, eternal life. I had no idea how to handle that. For sure workin’ a standard job for 100 or so years, people will start to catch on, birth certificates, etc, news crews will eventually be all “worlds oldest men” on our asses. But, I guess I still have some time to worry about that. Back to me and Zack, totally buds, then we just got sick of each other. I’m sure, over the course of eternity, we’ll see each other again.

One last thing that really pissed me off about today was this annoying vampire hunter dude, guy’s a totally douchebag. Check it out, I’m just going on about my business, and the asshole comes up and shoots garlic at me, whole fuckin’ cloves, then he start spraying me with a water gun, and ended it by trying to stab me with a wooden cross. Supermarket security intervened and banned him for life. Next time I see that fuck-up, I’m going to break his god damned neck. So, in conclusion, that is a general summary of my life and a glance at the anus that is my life after becoming a vampire.

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2 Responses to “Vampirosity”

  1. WHOLE FUCKIN” CLOVES. haha funny stuff.!

  2. Chocomilk Says:

    Teenage vampire angst, how silly. “For sure workin’ a standard job for 100 or so years, people will start to catch on, birth certificates, etc, news crews will eventually be all “worlds oldest men” on our asses.” is my favorite part, lol.

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